the time machine
Welcome to Lizzy - the only true time machine - formerly known as the soviet time machine, yet courtesy to warmongering und misanthropic scheming of a certain individual in Moscow had the be rebranded as solely “The Time Machine”. Lizzy was constructed by Igor Maickischenko, Noitulover Alavivs alter Ego. An alter Ego within an alter Ego so to speak. If you would like to know more about Noitulover, he has his own website @noitulover.ch. Anyhow, Igor showed up during Noitulovers latency stage when Noitulover was running out of brain farts in 2018 - a common thing during the latency stage. It has to be noted that Igor himself doesn’t have any brain farts either. However, he’s got a time machine and It’s the only time travel device to the day that is actually working - sometimes. The device can be booked for all sort of events as long as you do not intend to do something evil with it and if you pay extra you can even get a tiny shiny little bar to go along with it. For any detailed information, please click on the symbols below - they should be self-explanatory. If they are not, it just means that your brain capacity is not sufficent enough for time travel - sorry!
The Time Machine
Time Travel Bar
the story of the time machine
The only true time machine Lizzy was constructed by the Soviet engineer Igor Maickischenko. In certain circles it is believed that Igor is the alter ego of Noitulover Alaviv, who is already the alter ego of someone else. An alter ego within an alter ego, so to speak - a bit like a babushka doll; Igor's favorite toy. Anyway, this doesn't matter much at the moment, but it certainly will later. According to his own statements, Igor was born in Grassnow in 1895. Already as a child he was intensively occupied with the mysteries of space and time. This was mainly due to the fact that there was plenty of both in Grassnow and people just didn't know what to do with them. Igor had always been interested in what others weren't. He was one of the first to become aware of Einstein's first findings on the relativity of space and time, and soon started making his own calculations. Contrary to what many believe, he did not want to build a time machine in the first place. He was just looking for ways to fold the space-time matrix into a turkey origami in order to impress the beautiful Maria. The idea of the time machine came later, when he realized that it would take thousands of years to develop the technology necessary to manipulate space-time on such a scale. Pragmatic as Igor was, he decided to build a time machine, travel to the future, and then fold the turkey origami into the spacetime matrix. Curiously he didn’t take into account that Maria would already be dead by then.But now back to the origins. Like Einstein, he did not succeed at first in deriving a plausible theory of quantum entanglement. Igor quickly realized that he had to use the phenomenon of quantum entanglement in order to extract sufficient energy out of matter to accelerate a time machine beyond the speed of light. He came up with the all but brilliant idea while he was playing with his beloved Babushka dolls. When he was about to put a good old Sharas into the smallest doll and then planted the doll into the bigger doll, it fell like scales from his eyes. It is not about what you see, but just what you do not see. human beings are usually just concerned with the things that are tangible. Unfortunately, humans are also quite stupid and therefore only 4% of the universe is visible to us. Igor quickly deducted that if we perceive only 4% of the universe and photons are the fastest thing we can measure within that 4%, there is a 96% chance that there is something faster than light. The phenomenon of quantum distortion seemed to support his theory. Igor had a workable theory, but needed to confirm with one of the greatest minds of human mankind. Therefore he set off for Switzerland to philosophise about it with Albert. He almost never arrived in Bern, because at the airport a sniffy police dog tracked the Sharas in one of his babushka doll. But fortunately there is always a dumb officer that comes with a not so dumb police dog. And as we all know humans can only imagine what they see, boarder patrol gave up after the second doll. So Albert and Igor met on the Pläffe and pondered about relativity, quantum mechanics, turkey origami and the breasts of Jean D'Arc. After the third sharas, Albert stated that it was astonishing how such a small brown lump can confuse his perception way more than the hundreds of physicists who tried to convince him of their theories. As Albert grumbeld this to himself, Igor came up with the flash of a genius. "Albert!" he shouted, "that's it! Every information about the universe, the meaning of life, everything is contained in a single quantum! The composition of the quanta only determines which of this information we get to see!" Albert just smiled, stood up and hugged Igor. "I knew you'd figure it out, but you needed a little hint. You should drink a little less vodka and smoke a little more sharas." Igor was taken aback. Albert explained to him that he had figured it out a long time ago, but he had to keep the information to himself. Mankind was far from ready for such powerful knowledge. It would do more harm than good and Igor had to promise him not to talk about it with anyone. Igor pledged to Albert to keep this knowledge to himself. However, he suppressed the fact that he wanted to build a time machine. On the way back to Grassnov, Igor was all excited. He now had the necessary knowledge to build a time machine. He now knew that every single quantum contained the whole plan of the universe and consequently there was also infinite energy in a single quantum to be found. The reason why one always observed only a certain part of mass and energy in a particle was simply because one measured only this part. He deduced that the so-called quanta are most likely only the outermost of the layer and are probably built like Babushka dolls, with the size of the doll the information to be observed decreases exponentially. He just needed to find a way to split the particles into it’s core parts. There he would find the whole construction plan of the whole universe, the meaning of life, the questions and answers to everything and the source that would provide him with infinite energy. Infinite energy that allowed his time machine to accelerate to superluminal speed. That he finally needed Lenin's left testicle for it is another story. Also another story is how Igor finally solved the phenomenon of quantum distortion. It is very interesting nevertheless, but at this point we want to concentrate just on the essentials.So Igor managed to create a more or less functioning time machine with the help of Lenin's left testicle and some other additives like a stool made from original stool, Boris Johnson's magnificent hair or what’s left of it and and some nuclear waste from Chernybol, which he got from time traveler he once met. His name was Ford Prefect or something. Anyhow, Igor's mouth was sometimes a bit loose, especially when severe lovesickness struck him and got him under the weather. So it didn't take long until the Kremlin became aware of his wheeling and dealing. The Bolsheviks trapped him and gave him the choice to either provide them with the time machine for their shady dealings or to end up as a turkey origami in a Siberian gulag. And the poor Igor had no other choice than to make himself comfortable in the untested time machine and start an adventurous journey into the unknown in order to get as far as away from the Bolsheviks as possible. To this day, we don't know exactly what happened in the time machine, but the Time Machine has been called Lizzy ever since. Igor remains silent about the reasons for the name. Just as it remains a mystery to this day why the start button is called Gagarin-Spot or G-Spot. What is known, however, is that Igor landed with Lizzy in Bern in the year 2019 and has since been trying to get the time machine working again to finally travel to the year 4999 to get the technology with which he can finally fold the long-awaited turkey origami into the space-time matrix...
time machine functions
The time machine has a very unique design. Courtesy to its three serially connected vortex accelerators the time travelling devices may reach a maximum speed beyond the speed of light! Besides the vortex accelerators Lizzy has several other unbelievable technical devices on board that need further explanation. You may study the not so self-explanatory symbols below in order to get a better grasp on the sophistication of this unbelievable machine!
![]()
The vortex accelerators cause a lot of heat, therefore the time machine uses a highly efficient Nuclear-Powered Cooling System. It is built with the same technology that was applied in Chernobyl. But nothing to worry, we coated the condenser with crazy effective epoxy-based anti-corrosion and anti-fouling solutions. Very effective! And of course, if we can cool down Lizzy, we can also cool a good bottle of vodka, Nastrovje!
![]()
Time travel is very expensive as we need a lot of gas to accelerate Lizzy beyond the speed of light. As you know, gas is expensive - at least on earth, on Uranus it’s a different story - and in Uranus probably too. Anyhow, it would be great, if you were to put some coins in the Rubelbox outside the time travelling device in order provide time travel for future generations as well.
![]()
The Gravitation-Absorbing Stool is made from original stool. Please refrain from doing any gymnastic exercises on the time travel stool. It has not a stable Nash equilibrium due to evil forces of the universe, yet has the capacity to withstand them due to its unique design. As a matter of fact, it is the only time machine stool that reaches a type 7 rating on the Bristol Stool Chart. Amazing!
![]()
Due to extreme pressure on the digestive system while accelerating to light speed we installed a Waste Particle Filter System . It will not only keep you from defecating in Lizzy but will also prevent you from being penetrated by your own shit. Due to inversion your excrements will move back into your body while you’re moving backwards in time. Courtesy to the highly sophisticated Waste Particle Filter System your excrements, however, are diverted directly into the Time Machine Stool and keeping this beautiful machine humming like a bird ...
The vortex accelerators cause a lot of heat, therefore the time machine uses a highly efficient Nuclear-Powered Cooling System. It is built with the same technology that was applied in Chernobyl. But nothing to worry, we coated the condenser with crazy effective epoxy-based anti-corrosion and anti-fouling solutions. Very effective! And of course, if we can cool down Lizzy, we can also cool a good bottle of vodka, Nastrovje!
Time travel is very expensive as we need a lot of gas to accelerate Lizzy beyond the speed of light. As you know, gas is expensive - at least on earth, on Uranus it’s a different story - and in Uranus probably too. Anyhow, it would be great, if you were to put some coins in the Rubelbox outside the time travelling device in order provide time travel for future generations as well.
The Gravitation-Absorbing Stool is made from original stool. Please refrain from doing any gymnastic exercises on the time travel stool. It has not a stable Nash equilibrium due to evil forces of the universe, yet has the capacity to withstand them due to its unique design. As a matter of fact, it is the only time machine stool that reaches a type 7 rating on the Bristol Stool Chart. Amazing!
Due to extreme pressure on the digestive system while accelerating to light speed we installed a Waste Particle Filter System . It will not only keep you from defecating in Lizzy but will also prevent you from being penetrated by your own shit. Due to inversion your excrements will move back into your body while you’re moving backwards in time. Courtesy to the highly sophisticated Waste Particle Filter System your excrements, however, are diverted directly into the Time Machine Stool and keeping this beautiful machine humming like a bird ...
Finding the Time Machine Start Button is essential for time travel. We also call it the Gagarin-Spot or just the G-Spot. If you cannot find the G-Spot of Lizzy, your brain capacity is not sufficient enough for time travel. In such a scenario, please leave the time machine immediately, otherwise you will suffer severe consequences!!!
Courtesy to the Flux Capacitor, the time dimension during the beaming process can be exactly calibrated without losing information regarding the space dimension. By adjusting direction and speed of the wheel, you may adjust the exact time you want to travel to. But since it uses a binary system, you won't be able to understand it. Yet, Lizzy already knows where you want to go, even if you don't!
Just like the time dimension, the space dimension during the beaming process can be exactly located without losing information regarding the time dimension. By adjusting direction and speed of the wheel, you can select the exact location you want to travel to. But since it is also programmed with a binary system, you won't be able to understand it either. But fortunately Lizzy knows!
The First Stage Vortex Accelerator, also called Igors spinning vortex wheel, is the first of three serially connected vortex accelerators. It is powered by natural gas coming directly from the Time Machine Stool and will create a strong magnetic field, enabling acceleration close to the speed of light. So, nothing special here... It should go without saying that a strong digestive system of the time travel subject goes a long way to provide additional energy influx to the Vortex Accelerator.
The Second Stage Vortex Accelerator, also known as Boris Johnson, is the second of three serially connected vortex accelerators and used to run on Boris Johnsons beautiful hair. As this is slowely getting scarce we have replaced it with his brain farts, which are an inverse funtion of his hair volume. It is still very very loud and can cause havoc if going out of control, just like Boris Johnson and . However, it enables acceleration of the time machine to the speed of light. Amazing!
The Third Stage Vortex Accelerator, also called Lenin's Testicle, is the last of the three serially connected vortex accelerators. It is powered by Lenin's left testicle. Therefore, it neither fails - unlike other parts of the time machine - or running low on fuel and actually enables acceleration of the time machine beyond the speed of light. It is not possible, but then again, it is! Terrific! Thank you Wladimir Iljitsch , thank you so much!!
Don't fuck with Lizzy and neither fuck in Lizzy! Not that we don't want you to have fun, but fucking during time travel can have fatal consequences! Due to extreme gravitational forces during acceleration, pregnancy will be guaranteed as ejaculation will force an ovulation. Due to time paradox, pregnancy in accelerated time conditions can cause an unprecedented apocalypse!
The Flux Capacitor enables time travel towards a desired time and location due to its uncanny ability to circumvent Heisenbergs uncertainty principle. It is the most sensitive part of the time machine and has a tendency to have ignition problems. If it fails, the beaming process gets out of control and you may end up anywhere but your desired location and time. Good luck!
In the rare case that any of the three vortex accelerators should go out of control, you may consider pushing the emergency button in order to cut all energy influx to the vortex accelerators. Such a measure will destroy Lizzy and you probably as well. For any improper use of the Self-Destroying Emergency Button, we will send you to gulag.... in case you should still be alive of course!
The Vortex Protection Helmet enables the synchronization of your brainwaves with plutonium isotopes that decay from igniting the Flux Capacitor. Because decay of plutonium isotopes is very energy intensive, we have attached a high-pressured air-cooling system to the helmet in order to save your brain from melting. You're welcome! The helmet is also going to safe you in case the spinning vortex wheel is going out of control. Not that it has happened before...
Due to the extremely high gravitational forces during acceleration of the vortex devices, the Flux Capacitor and some leftovers from Chernobyl, radioactive decay of nuclear isotopes is unavoidable during time travel with Lizzy. If you fear to grow a third leg in the future or the past, you may refrain from traveling with Lizzy!
The Ear Protection device is the most unspectacular device of Lizzy, yet one of the most important. It's a necessity to wear them because you don't want to hear Lizzy before she is reaching her pinnacle and sending you into the unknowns of spacetime. She has a slight tendency to come down loud and hard. So make sure to protect your eardrum accordingly!
Shortly after 2nd and 3rd stage vortex accelerators kick in, the influx of uv radiation reaches its peak at 1nm. On the one hand, that's amazing, on the other hand, that's also very bad for your little shiny eyes. Therefore we have created even more amazing Thunder Glasses. Even when they are hit by a huge thunderstorm, they remain unfazed. Like Boris Johnson's facial expression when winning the Russian president election, officially ending Vladimir's reign and sending his witnesses into a political identity-confusing driven rage.
time travel settings
In order to make time travel with Lizzy not such a random event as you might think, we have implemented a very sophisticated and user-friendly time travel settings panel so that you can accommodate your adventure as you wish in order to have some sort of control over your trip through time and space. Below you can find all the available travel modes you can chose from in order to get close to your desired location in time and space!
The language switch in the time machine lets you choose between two beautiful melodic languages.
Time travel with Lizzy is not restricted to any age, yet we account for differences in it.
Every trip through time and space needs an adequate soundtrack, we give you two options.
Radiation is unavoidable during time travel - but at least we let you choose how to be irradiated.
Your trip through time and space can be tailored to your risk profile. Since time travel is always risky, your choice won’t matter, though - sorry!
The three vortex accelerators can send you either to the next black hole or the next worm hole to shorten the trip through time and space tremendously.
As there is a certain likelyhood of certain death while travelling with Lizzy, we want you to give options how to end your life - you’re welcome!
We need to know your personality traits in order to make you not go completely crazy during time travel!
If the Flux Capacitor fails - which it mostly does - you will have to choose between uncertainty regarding space and time.
bar
while travelling with the time machine through time and space, time might be very condensed for the time travel subject itself, however, for everybody else waiting for the adventurer to return can be a tedious task indeed. Hence, we have built a very nice bar to shorten the perceived waiting time to an acceptable level. The bar offers various drinks from different galaxies and eras of the seen and unseen universe. It’s unique design with 2 parallel-connected vortex accelerator allows for immediate take off in case someone tries to steal the bar. As of today we still don’t know why Igor had to put such a safety system into place. However, it is rumored that Igor did not as universally assumed build the bar himself but rather stole this little shinny magic piece of sheer self-destruction from the one and only restaurant at the end of the universe.... but as being said - it’s just a rumor
Magic Ingredients:
- 3 cubes of ice
- 4 cl Gini
- 14 cl Toe Water
- Lime wedge
- 3 cubes of ice
- 4 cl Gini
- 14 cl Toe Water
- Lime wedge
According to Igors reserach, this noble beverage originates from the distant Galaxy of the Pedikyries, a to the Valkyries genetically akin extraterrestrial form of life. The Legend says that the Pedikyries preserved their left big toe in an alcohol-filled genie in a bottle after reaching the age of 4242 in order to pay tribute to their deceased ancestors.
Magic Ingredients:
- 3 cubes of ice
- 4 cl Vodka
- 1/2 juiced lime
- 14 cl Ginger Beer
- lots of moss
- 3 cubes of ice
- 4 cl Vodka
- 1/2 juiced lime
- 14 cl Ginger Beer
- lots of moss
This lovely beverage initially popped up on Igor radar while travelling through the meteroit belt of the Ladezonestreet. The similarities of the native life forms to the well-known centaurs was striking. As these creatures used to nourish themselves solely on moss and other weeds, evolution endowed them with an alcohol-based digestion system in order to cope efficiently with the vast amount of greens these organisms stuffed into their bellies on a daily basis. This evolutionary gift was naturally used to produce a fantastic drink as sudden occurence of nausea was not uncommon. Unsurprisingly, the creatures of the Ladezonestreet were ruminants just as our terrestrial cows.
Magic Ingredients:
- 3 cubes of ice
- 4 cl Vodka
- 12 cl Tomato
- Juice Tabasco, Pepper, Salt
- Vladimirs useless hair
- 3 cubes of ice
- 4 cl Vodka
- 12 cl Tomato
- Juice Tabasco, Pepper, Salt
- Vladimirs useless hair
A Vlady-Hairy is less a cocktail and much more a poltical statement from Igor against a certain individual in Moscow, who is destryoing Igors beloved homeland with his hairy politics. In order to accentuate this fact in this disgusting drink, Igor is travelling with his time machine into Vladimirs bedreoom and steals one of his useless hairs for every ordered Vlady-Hairy. So for every Vlady-Hairy that you slug down your throat, you say “Njet” to his dark deeds in the Kreml! Fun Fact: Igor has calculated that by the time Vladimir is finally bold, enough people have said “Njet” and his reign will be over! Nastrovje!
Magic Ingredients:
- 3 cubes of ice
- 4 cl white rum
- 1/2 juiced lime
- 1/2 juiced orange
- 10 cl Coke
- 1/2 Passion Fruit
- sexy times
- 3 cubes of ice
- 4 cl white rum
- 1/2 juiced lime
- 1/2 juiced orange
- 10 cl Coke
- 1/2 Passion Fruit
- sexy times
This awesome potion was created by Igor himself and comes in second just after urin as the most sought-after fluid in the known and unknown universe. As it should be common knowledge by now that sex in the time machine is prohibited due to possible time paradoxes in case of pregnancy, the origin of this drink should be self-explanatory. In order to save Igors face we will forgo any further explanations on the nature of this drink. However, we certainly can say here that this brew is highly stimulating - so stimulating indeed that we had to coat the roof of the time machine with a particular slippery substance!
Magic Ingredients:
- 3 cubes of ice
- 1 ts agave-syrup
- 1/2 lime
- 20 cl water
- 3 cubes of ice
- 1 ts agave-syrup
- 1/2 lime
- 20 cl water
The No More Vodka made its first appearance on Gomora - a plant orbiting the inner asteroid belt of the Sadanstreet - a galaxy notorious for the rather excessive lifestyle of its organisms. According to the legend alcohol-free beverages were banned by the government of Gomora in order to subdue convalescence. Violations were handled accordingly and offenders were subjected to a life sentence of eternal life. As of today it’s the most severe punishment ever implemented by a global government. Neverthelss, some incurable lunatics couldn’t be stopped from illegaly brewing this water-based muck!
